Kids. Can't live with 'em...

can't afford to put them in boarding school...


Soo there has been a drought in the Hollen House of Hilarity, (Horrors or Hormones.  Pick your own "H", they all apply.)  Either my kids haven't been as funny lately, or my sense of humor has been MIA.  More than likely it's just me, right?  As usual though, when it rains it pours so here is the blog that you've been eagerly waiting for.  By you I mean you, Jen ;)  


I think a country musician should start singing about parenting.  I have a list of possible song titles:


Acorns in My Dryer


There's a Reason You Never Get Those Cute, Li'l Photo Cards From Me at Christmas (Seems long but this is country so it works.)


Why, Why, Why?


There's a Tear in my Yoo-Hoo


What About Me???!!!!!


What Shoes Should I Wear?


You Were Adopted


Don't See Me


and my personal favorite-


You're Mom's Favorite, No You're Mom's Favorite


Now I'm no professional writer, so I don't do lyrics.  However, I do have some story line suggestions :)


**Acorns in My Dryer?  Naturally this song would be about all the random things you find in the laundry when you have kids.  The list should include:


 1) Acorns.  Especially if your 3 year old has a thing for "nuts".  Yeah.  Do NOT attempt to empty his pockets with his knowledge.  The end result is tears, trauma, and a host of other "T" words like tantrum.  **Shudder**  


2) iPods.  It is important to note however, that if expensive electronic gadgets are found, then this part of the song should include something along the lines of, "Mom is an idiot...  She doesn't check my pockets."  Alternatively, this song could also be about wives in which case you would substitute, "Mom" with "Wife".  At no point however, should you EVER even so much as imply that the individual who put the said object in their own pocket should carry any responsibility.  Only Mom/Wife.  The chorus should include the phrase, "Quick!  Throw it in a bag of rice!"  Catchy, isn't it?!


3) Random bits of paper:  Extra bonus if any of this paper is later called, "homework".


4) Money.  Whatever you do though, do NOT let out the secret that any money found in the laundry belongs to the person washing it.  I am slowly building my empire, one load at a time.


**Photo Cards.  This song would be about those sweet cards people send you at Christmas featuring their kids and assorted pets all looking at the camera with an aura of love and happiness.  Obviously those kids are paid.  This is what happens when I try to take pictures of my kids:


Yesterday was a beautiful day, full of sunshine and leaves falling.  I thought it was the perfect opportunity to get some pics of the kiddos while enjoying the scenery down at LBL.  Fun for all, right??  Wrong.  First of all, Parker is the only one who will pose.  She'd be happy to be the star and sole occupant of all family photos, but then I feel crappy because the boys are missing.  As of now though, I'm over that.  Parker is now the "face" of the Hollen family and will be representing us as a whole :) This is what the boys do:


Will:  Family pictures?  (Said in the same tone you might say, "Worms for dinner?")  Why??!!


Me:  Because I would like to have pics of my kids.  Duh.


Will:  Well you're not putting any of them on facebook.


Me:  Ok, well A) I'll put whatever I want on my facebook, but I won't tag you, and B) is your family really that humiliating??


I mean really, are we?  What is it about having your picture made with your brother and sister that inspires fear of public humiliation?  Is Will the only teenager known to man to actually have a family?  Is that what it is?  Like it's embarrassing for someone to find out you have siblings or **gasp** parents?  Gee thanks.  I remember being a young mom and thinking that one of the bonuses would be the fact that I would be this young, hip mom that Will would be proud to have.  It's obvious now that the fact I even thought the word "hip" eliminated that possibility.


Soo as they say, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.  Here that translates to, you can force your kid to pose for pics, but you can't make him look normal.  99.9% of all pictures involving Will are one of two things.  He's either posing like a pin-up- think hip thrust out with one hand on it, the other hand up by his lips while he makes a kissy face, or he's making some other ridiculous face.  Personally, I am no longer going to even attempt to get pictures of him looking normal.  I'm going to take what I'm given and then I'm going to put every single one of them on facebook, tag him, make one my profile pic, post on his wall, print out flyers to hang around town, and have announcements made to send to all my friends with small children.  "Enjoy them now- soon they'll be teenagers!  Blech!"


Then there's Jace.   After I'd all but given up my photographic dreams yesterday, I tried to take a picture of Jace from behind.  It was completely unposed, he was staring out over the lake and it was precious.  He saw me out of the corner of his eye and took off running, yelling, "No!!! Don't take pictures of me!!"  Apparently he's Amish and didn't tell anyone.   Who knew?


**Why, Why, Why


This is self-explanatory for any parent.  If the songwriter could include answers to the 97 bazillion questions that toddlers ask, that song would go platinum immediately.


**There's a Tear in My Yoo-Hoo


Again, self-explanatory.  Every event in life does not have to include tears.  Not toddler tears, not  hormonal tween girl tears....  No tears.  Period.


**What About Me???????


What about me... the favored question of siblings everywhere.  This song should include something about Christmas cards being sent out with a picture of only one child, while the other two cry, "What about me??"  The chorus could be, "Because you wouldn't pose, or I don't love you anymore.  Which one is it??!!!"  Ahahahaha- sometimes parenting is fun :)


**What Shoes Should I Wear?


This is another favorite question in my house.  Actually I'm pretty sure Parker has NEVER gotten dressed one, single time without asking me, "What shoes should I wear?"  The funny thing is she generally hates my taste and rejects all my suggestions until I finally list the shoe she wanted to wear all along.  I have told her more than once to not ever ask me again so now she does this, "Mom, I know you hate it when I ask, but umm... what shoes should I wear?"  Maybe I'll just donate every pair of shoes but one...   Sounds like a winner to me!


**  You Were Adopted


Will has been trying to convince Parker from birth that she is adopted.  I'm not sure what about this is supposed to be an issue, but apparently it is because I can remember my own siblings trying to convince me of the same when I was little.  If that's the case, I'm going to start looking for my "birth" parents immediately and pray that they are now filthy rich.


**  Don't See Me.  This song will be about toddlers who make their parents accompany them to the bathroom, you know to protect them from the "ghosts".  These same toddlers don't like to be seen while using the bathroom so they call you in there and then point at a spot right outside the door where they tell you to stand with the instructions, "Don't See Me".  It's almost like time-out.  My particular station is by the washing machine, so I just look for money in pockets while I wait.  I'm getting rich one trip to the bathroom at a time.  I'm hoping the follow up tune, "Don't Wipe Me" is coming soon.


**  You're Mom's Favorite, No You're Mom's Favorite.


If your two older children are both convinced that the other is your "precious, little angel", are you doing something really right, or really wrong?  I've been pondering this for a while now.  Just pondering, I don't intend to change anything.  After all, even being seen in public with me is detrimental to their social status after a certain age, so what do I care?  I feed, clothe, and steal money from their pockets.  Isn't that my job?  I tuck them in and kiss them good night, although Will has been air-kissing me for the last few years.  He's either adopted some European flair, or thinks I have cooties.  Speaking of, I just thought of two final tunes:


Everything I Needed to Know About Life, I Learned While Secretly Reading My Teenager's Text Messages


and


I  Didn't Know Butt Dialing Could Get Me Grounded


Yeah.  Enjoy those toddlers and don't have me arrested in a few years when Parker is a teenager and I won't let her out of a locked closet.  It's for her own good, really!
  

Who is that crazy lady chasing the school bus??!!

Oh, that's just Will's mom...  **sigh**


So Will is my forgetful child...  When I say 'forgetful' I mean to the extent that I've often wondered if one can be born with Alzheimer's.  He regularly forgets everything from where to put his dirty clothes, to any and everything needed for school that day.  You know the expression, "You'd forget your head if it wasn't attached"?  That's Will.  Seriously.  The fact that Will forgets stuff CONSTANTLY means that people are pretty much fed up with it.  At this point, even if it is an honest mistake there are consequences.


Yesterday morning Will texts me from his dad's to ask me about his soccer stuff- half of which was at my house, half of which was at the other.  I told him that yes, his red shorts were at my house.  A little bit later when Will rolls in for b'fast (welcome to Mom's Diner!!) I show him where I've laid out his shorts.  He tells me he doesn't need the red ones because they are wearing white.  Ok...  well I would go ahead and put them in my jumbo sized soccer bag, but whatever.  I go on about my day.


Yesterday afternoon I get the following frantic phone call:


Will:  (mumble, mumble, unintelligible,) supposed to be wearing red shorts, (mumble, mumble,) thought they were at my dad's, now I don't have time to come by your house so please meet me at the school!


Me, being the good mama that I am, hop in the car to take them to the school... When I get there, the entire team is already on the bus, so I circle around and pull up behind it and call Will.  While the phone is ringing, the bus starts pulling off....


Me:  Will, tell them to stop for a sec and I'll run these up to you.


Will:  No, they can't, just try to get beside us.


Uhhh... ok...  is that even legal?  And do I look like I went to the Dukes of Hazard driving school?!  But whatever, I think I'll just catch them at the stop sign.  So I tell Will to ask them to hold 2 secs at the stop sign.  I'm seriously riding their bumper, shorts in hand.  Will says, "No, they can't."


Hmmm... at this point, I'm thinking something is a li'l shady.  I mean for one, I haven't heard Will ask anyone to hold, and for two, who doesn't have a spare second?  At any rate, the bus blows through the first two stop signs.  Well, I mean, the bus stopped, but for reasons that can only be attributed to Murphy's Law, there was no traffic, so everytime I got my door open, the bus was taking off again. 


Ok.. there was one more stop coming up that was still in town, and it's at a  busy crossroad, so I felt confident that I could accomplish Mission Shorts Toss.  I call Will again:


Me:  Ok, tell the kid in the back seat on the left to put his window down and hold his arm out when the bus stops.


Will:  No Mom, I can't.


Me:  %&$^$#&$ (a word most people probably don't say to their kids, but then again most people don't have my kids *sigh*) why can't you??  Tell him now!


Will:  Mom, I didn't want anyone to find out I didn't have my shorts!  I'll get in trouble.


Me:  (^*&%$(*&()**^%$%#$%#@#$^&(*&)(*)(&*&%%&$$$# tell him to stick  his arm out NOW!


Will:  Please Mom, just follow us to Mayfield!  (20 minutes away, 'cause gas is free ya know?)


Me:  TELL. HIM. NOW.


Will:  Ok....


Sooo by this point, the bus is stopped, the kid puts down his window, I jump out of my car and run.  I've got the shorts all rolled up for maximum flight potential, and I'll be damned if yet again there was NO FREAKING TRAFFIC!!!  This is UNHEARD of!  **sigh**  So here I am running beside the bus, while the entire team is staring out the window (but obviously not the  bus driver).  My efforts were fruitless, and at this point I said, forget it.


**ring ring**


Me:  What do you want Will?


Will:  Mom, I didn't want anyone to know.  Now I probably won't start and it's all your fault.


::banging head into dashboard::


I'll spare you lecture that followed, including but not limited to, "It's MY fault you forgot your shorts??"  


Ahhh Motherhood.  The only role one can have in life in which everything that goes wrong in anyone else's life is all your fault.  Well, that and being a wife.  **sigh**


The Daily Jace:  (said to anyone who will listen)  The school bus kept running away from Mommy!!!!

Beauty is Painful...

I learned that from watching "Toddlers and Tiaras"...  So says my 10 yo daughter Parker :)  It's true, she's right, and thank the Lord that I have a daughter who's level headed and beautiful just the way God made her.


Me on the other hand?  I could use some work!  Today begins the 9 bazillionth dieting attempt.  I'm not really sure how I got so out of control, but I am determined to fix it this time.  I will say the chocolate chip cupcakes with home made chocolate buttercream frosting that I made today are not helping my cause ;)  Fortunately they are for a bbq tomorrow so I'll have plenty of help eating them.  *sigh*


Is home made one word, or two?  That's really been bugging the shiz outta me today...  I keep making it two, but it doesn't look right!


Soo I'll wrap up with another cute li'l story from Parker.  She wore a dress to school two days in a row.  A girl in her class asked her why she had been dressing up, and her teacher said, "She's trying to find a man!"  A little boy in the classroom threw his hand up in the air and started yelling, "I'm a man!  I'm a man!"  Ahhh, I love kids!  I love their honesty, I love their energy and I love their confidence.  Here's to little boys who aren't afraid to wear their hearts on their sleeves :)

I'm back!

Woo hoo!  Two in one day!  Yes, well I'm bored and what am I gonna do?  housework??
Actually I just remembered something my goof ball three year old did last night.  We were at the airport picking up Daddy...  As we're standing in the baggage claim area waiting for him to show up, my son was hiding behind my legs...  I thought he was just being his usual shy self until I felt warmth on my booty.  Yeah... he was licking my a$$... in the middle of the airport...  *sigh* Does this happen to other people?  My 10 yo was hysterical over the fact that I now had a wet spot in the middle of my butt.


The Daily Jace (the infamous 3 year old):


Me:  Jace why don't you have your undies on?
Jace:  Because they are wet.
Me:  Why are they wet??
Jace:  Because they were in the ass.


Ummm... I'm not certain that's what he was saying, but I asked him three times to repeat himself and each time it sounded the same.  I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to home school him when the time comes 8-0


Well I'm off to feed people.  Perhaps it will be Jace's favorite- pb and jellyfish sandwiches!

In The Beginning

God created Heaven and Earth... I'm not going quite that far back though.  I'm not even going to go all the way back to 1975, which is the year I was born.  This life begins in August of 1994, when my first child was born.  My life hasn't been the same since, and I'm pretty sure I haven't stopped laughing...  


Ok, in all honestly, my oldest is 17 now.  As far as he's concerned, I stopped laughing about the time he hit puberty and decided I was ridiculously clueless about any and all subjects.  While I wait for him to like me again, I'm fortunate enough to have two more kids who make me laugh, including Jace, my 3 yo who is widely (well as wide as my facebook friends list,) known for the stuff that comes out of his mouth on a regular basis.  Whether it's mispronunciations that make me giggle- (don't even get me started on the wisdom of naming a child's train "Percy", knowing many if not most toddlers have speech impediments!) or just the quick wit that my kids are known for, I'm such a lucky mom!


The Daily Will (my 17 yo):  


Me:  Will- did you see on the news where this man has been arrested twice for having sex with a horse?!


Will:  Yeah... you know what they say...  Neighhhh means neighhhh!


Man, I love my kids!