Life will never be the same...

nor will my body for that matter.


Today is Parker's birthday.  What better way to mark the anniversary of the birth of your children than by reminiscing about how ridiculously awful their entrance into this world was.  Wait- am I the only one who does that?  Surely not.  I have always heard people say that you forget all about the pain once you lay eyes on those little blessings.  I call bullshit.  Was it worth it?  Of course.  Do I remember every minute of the hellish 17 hours of labor?  Nope, but neither have I forgotten the pain!


Way back when I was just a child of 19 and preparing to give birth to Will, the hospital where I would be delivering required you to pay for your epidural in advance.  Feeling very much like, 'this is what my body was created for', I opted against one.  Right before I went into labor, I remember telling my mom that since she had five kids, I knew childbirth couldn't be that bad.  Her response?  "Oh honey, I was knocked out when you were born.  The whole family knew what you were before I even woke up."  Yikes.  This did NOT sound promising, but again, I fully believed in my ability to give birth without an epidural- and I did.  I did have a couple shots of stadol.  I'm not sure in what dimension that is supposed to block the pain of your uterus turning inside out, but whatever....  Mostly they just made me see double.  At any rate, I not only survived labor and delivery without an epidural, but it wasn't anything that I felt like I couldn't handle.  I only lost my cool once- when I overheard my grandmother telling someone, "They might send her home."  This was after they'd broken my water and inserted internal monitors.  The mere mention of going home without a baby turned me into the exorcist.  Sooo things I remember about the day Will was born:


1.  Trying to stay focused on my 'focal point' while remembering to breathe.  During much of this my sister was standing right in front of me with a sympathetic look on her face while she bobbed up in down in front of what I was trying to focus on.  On second thought, she might have gotten snapped at too.


2.  My mother repeatedly looking at the blood pressure monitor and then taking off running for the nurses.  I had mild pre-ecclampsia.  Let's just say, Mom didn't help my blood pressure.


3.  Being hungry.  Very hungry.


4.  Finally having the baby and looking at Will for the first time.  I was instantly hit with the feeling that he was his own person.  My entire pregnancy I'd thought of him as an extension of me.  Seeing him and realizing he was more than just my extension was amazing and oh so scary.


5.  Begging for a cheeseburger, which I can be seen eating in the videos Vanessa shot.  It was a long day for her too ;)  But yes, most of the film from after Will's birth is people passing him around while oohing and aahing, and me sitting in bed shoving a burger and fries in my face while looking like a deer in headlights.


6.  And finally, Will being taken to the nursery for the night and me being taken to a room to get some blissful sleep.  Instead I stayed up all night waiting to lay eyes on my boy again....  Becoming a mother was sobering and scary, but the single, best moment of my life.  It was love at first sight...


Fast forward a few years, and I'm expecting Parker.  I'll never forget telling Will he was going to be a big brother, and more importantly his reply:  You need to get fixed or something. You know like when we took the dog to the vet?  Sadly our dog passed away while being spayed.  I'm just going to assume Will wasn't thinking about that when he suggested that I go.  I'd like to think that he changed his mind when he first held his baby sister, but I think I'd be fooling myself.  Just a couple months ago he said, "When it was just me, I got 100% of your attention.  Then you had Parker and I was down to 50%.  When Jace came along I got 33.333333333% (I'm pretty sure that's the number he used,) of your attention, so it's a good thing you can't have any more or I'd be knocked down to 25%."  That's my Willio... always thinking of others hahaha.


Anyway, while pregnant with Parker, I obviously had no intentions of having an epidural because labor and delivery with Will was fine.  Throughout the years, I'd even scoffed at friends that had epi's because I thought they were weenies.  It's probably occurred to you by this point that Karma would be biting me in the ass at any moment, and yes she did.


Labor with Will and Parker was remarkably similar.  With both I started contracting at around 3-3:30 in the morning.  Both were born within minutes of each other that evening.  One at 7:39 pm, and one at 7:41.  (Don't ask me which was which.  These are the things I forget.)  With both they had to break my water, and with both I was given pitocin to speed things up.  Here is where things start to change- With Will I was ok with no epidural.  With Parker, I would have traded her for anything that might possibly numb me.  I didn't just think that, I actually said it at some point.  Thank goodness no one took me up on the offer.  I declined stadol because it didn't work with Will and  just made things fuzzy.  In the end, I went from 7 to 10 in a matter of minutes.  Literally, 5-10 minutes.  At some point in there they gave me a shot of something.  When Parker came out I was pretty much high and afraid to hold her.  I had to put a hand over one eye to try to see just one of her.  It was bad business.  This is where I start to forget, because I don't have a clue what happened for the next few hours, other than the only thing that was truly important to me was that Will be the first person to see her.


Sooooo after the horror of Parker's childbirth, I was NOT going to rule out an epidural when Jace came along.  I hadn't firmly decided one way or the other, but it was definitely staying on the table.  With Jace I had pre-e again, only this time worse.  I started losing part of my field of vision, and so they admitted and induced me at 37 weeks, 5 days.  At some point I did get an epidural, for two reasons- 1.  Thomas talked me into it, probably so I'd stop yelling at him for just sitting in a chair eating anything he could find in a vending machine while playing on his iPhone, and 2.  Because a lot of what happened after Parker was born was a blur, and I kept hearing these stories about women who had epidurals and had glorious, pain free deliveries and actually knew what the hell was going on.  Even with Will, the end was just a blur of pain and 'Please God make it end', so I wanted to see what was different.  


First off let me say that so far I universally hate military hospitals.  There may come a time when I feel differently, but I wouldn't put money on it.  With Jace, first of all no one knew how to hook up the internal monitors.  Because I was on pitocin and magnesium for my bp, it was important to be able to monitor him...  I don't remember how many people were crouched down there trying to hook it up, but I wouldn't be surprised to find out they were bringing in the cleaning ladies to 'have a go at it'.  Then came the epidural man.  I had been assured that he was the best in the hospital and I was soooo lucky that he was working.  Well I'm not so sure, because it took him two tries to get my epidural in the proper place.  He then started accusing me of my spine being strange, because clearly he couldn't have just made an error...  I don't know if it is or not, but I do know that you don't accuse a woman in labor of anything if you want to keep breathing.  Finally with monitors and epi in place, I drifted off to lala land, and I liked it.  I can remember as I was drifting off to sleep thinking, "Why didn't I do this with the first two?!"  Famous last words.


At some point they came in to wake me up and check me.  I had completely stopped dilating after getting the epi.  I'd been at 4 when I went to sleep and now 5 hours later, I was still at 4.  They bumped up the pitocin, and that's when things started getting crazy.  First the internal monitor started going crazy.  I think it beeped for at least five minutes before I noticed because the epi had worn off...  Oh yes....  Pain, like a mind-numbing, primal, someone put me out of my misery pain, took over my entire body.  At this point they are trying everything to get Jace where he can breathe.  I spent what seemed like forever on my hands and knees while they tried to reposition him.  I'm positive everyone in the hospital was in my room.  There were at least 10 people at this point.  The horror of all horrors was the fact that my cervix started swelling, and so instead of dilating I actually went from 8 back to 7.  I vaguely remember someone giving me a shot in my arm to stop my contractions because Jace couldn't handle them... All this time the monitors were still going crazy, and when I could think, it was, "Why aren't they just getting this baby out?!"  Apparently that's because none of the doctors in the hospital at that time were OBs.  Yeah...  It was a couple family practice doctors.  When the OB finally showed up all I can remember thinking was "Praise Jesus, Hallelujah".  I think I kissed the anesthesiologist.  By the time I hit the OR, everything happened so fast that Thomas walked in right as they were pulling him out.  He was completely purple.  Thank God he started screaming and turning pink immediately, but to this day I think, 'What if the OB had been any later?!"


So while Jace was off being weighed and measured and all that good stuff, I was left with the doctors who were trying to repair the fact that they cut through my cervix when the made the incision.  Oh, and btw I could also feel them sewing me up.  Not like, "OMG I have a knife tearing into my abdomen pain!" But I could feel stinging every time they stuck the needle in and I was petrified it would suddenly get worse.  The anesthesiologist insisted that I could not be feeling pain....  Since I begged to differ, his answer was to shoot me up with some versed so I'd shut up and go to sleep.  Worked for me.  We'll skim over the fact that I was severely anemic in the hospital and yet no one checked my blood again before discharging me.  That trip back to the hospital a couple days later to be offered a transfusion so that I could walk up my stairs without feeling like I was having a heart attack was fun.  You know in movies when someone is bleeding to death and they say, "It's so cold..."  Yes, it is.  


Soooo how does all this relate to today, Parker's 11th birthday?  Because despite ridiculous pain, having total strangers up in your hoo-ha, stretch marks, ever present maternal guilt, and saggy boobs seems like a hefty price to pay, but it's not.  I would have given more.  I still would.  Each of my children is the best part of me and the best thing I ever did.  I would die for them.  I will love them forever, without fail.  I will immediately think of them any time I count my blessings.  They are my everything, and the fact that I have given them life, feels like nothing compared to everything they've given me.  No matter how many mistakes I've made, no matter whether I deserve them or not, God has given me these babies and they are amazing and the most perfect children for me.  They are funny, smart, and perfectly imperfect, and I could not ask for more.

Kids. Can't live with 'em...

can't afford to put them in boarding school...


Soo there has been a drought in the Hollen House of Hilarity, (Horrors or Hormones.  Pick your own "H", they all apply.)  Either my kids haven't been as funny lately, or my sense of humor has been MIA.  More than likely it's just me, right?  As usual though, when it rains it pours so here is the blog that you've been eagerly waiting for.  By you I mean you, Jen ;)  


I think a country musician should start singing about parenting.  I have a list of possible song titles:


Acorns in My Dryer


There's a Reason You Never Get Those Cute, Li'l Photo Cards From Me at Christmas (Seems long but this is country so it works.)


Why, Why, Why?


There's a Tear in my Yoo-Hoo


What About Me???!!!!!


What Shoes Should I Wear?


You Were Adopted


Don't See Me


and my personal favorite-


You're Mom's Favorite, No You're Mom's Favorite


Now I'm no professional writer, so I don't do lyrics.  However, I do have some story line suggestions :)


**Acorns in My Dryer?  Naturally this song would be about all the random things you find in the laundry when you have kids.  The list should include:


 1) Acorns.  Especially if your 3 year old has a thing for "nuts".  Yeah.  Do NOT attempt to empty his pockets with his knowledge.  The end result is tears, trauma, and a host of other "T" words like tantrum.  **Shudder**  


2) iPods.  It is important to note however, that if expensive electronic gadgets are found, then this part of the song should include something along the lines of, "Mom is an idiot...  She doesn't check my pockets."  Alternatively, this song could also be about wives in which case you would substitute, "Mom" with "Wife".  At no point however, should you EVER even so much as imply that the individual who put the said object in their own pocket should carry any responsibility.  Only Mom/Wife.  The chorus should include the phrase, "Quick!  Throw it in a bag of rice!"  Catchy, isn't it?!


3) Random bits of paper:  Extra bonus if any of this paper is later called, "homework".


4) Money.  Whatever you do though, do NOT let out the secret that any money found in the laundry belongs to the person washing it.  I am slowly building my empire, one load at a time.


**Photo Cards.  This song would be about those sweet cards people send you at Christmas featuring their kids and assorted pets all looking at the camera with an aura of love and happiness.  Obviously those kids are paid.  This is what happens when I try to take pictures of my kids:


Yesterday was a beautiful day, full of sunshine and leaves falling.  I thought it was the perfect opportunity to get some pics of the kiddos while enjoying the scenery down at LBL.  Fun for all, right??  Wrong.  First of all, Parker is the only one who will pose.  She'd be happy to be the star and sole occupant of all family photos, but then I feel crappy because the boys are missing.  As of now though, I'm over that.  Parker is now the "face" of the Hollen family and will be representing us as a whole :) This is what the boys do:


Will:  Family pictures?  (Said in the same tone you might say, "Worms for dinner?")  Why??!!


Me:  Because I would like to have pics of my kids.  Duh.


Will:  Well you're not putting any of them on facebook.


Me:  Ok, well A) I'll put whatever I want on my facebook, but I won't tag you, and B) is your family really that humiliating??


I mean really, are we?  What is it about having your picture made with your brother and sister that inspires fear of public humiliation?  Is Will the only teenager known to man to actually have a family?  Is that what it is?  Like it's embarrassing for someone to find out you have siblings or **gasp** parents?  Gee thanks.  I remember being a young mom and thinking that one of the bonuses would be the fact that I would be this young, hip mom that Will would be proud to have.  It's obvious now that the fact I even thought the word "hip" eliminated that possibility.


Soo as they say, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.  Here that translates to, you can force your kid to pose for pics, but you can't make him look normal.  99.9% of all pictures involving Will are one of two things.  He's either posing like a pin-up- think hip thrust out with one hand on it, the other hand up by his lips while he makes a kissy face, or he's making some other ridiculous face.  Personally, I am no longer going to even attempt to get pictures of him looking normal.  I'm going to take what I'm given and then I'm going to put every single one of them on facebook, tag him, make one my profile pic, post on his wall, print out flyers to hang around town, and have announcements made to send to all my friends with small children.  "Enjoy them now- soon they'll be teenagers!  Blech!"


Then there's Jace.   After I'd all but given up my photographic dreams yesterday, I tried to take a picture of Jace from behind.  It was completely unposed, he was staring out over the lake and it was precious.  He saw me out of the corner of his eye and took off running, yelling, "No!!! Don't take pictures of me!!"  Apparently he's Amish and didn't tell anyone.   Who knew?


**Why, Why, Why


This is self-explanatory for any parent.  If the songwriter could include answers to the 97 bazillion questions that toddlers ask, that song would go platinum immediately.


**There's a Tear in My Yoo-Hoo


Again, self-explanatory.  Every event in life does not have to include tears.  Not toddler tears, not  hormonal tween girl tears....  No tears.  Period.


**What About Me???????


What about me... the favored question of siblings everywhere.  This song should include something about Christmas cards being sent out with a picture of only one child, while the other two cry, "What about me??"  The chorus could be, "Because you wouldn't pose, or I don't love you anymore.  Which one is it??!!!"  Ahahahaha- sometimes parenting is fun :)


**What Shoes Should I Wear?


This is another favorite question in my house.  Actually I'm pretty sure Parker has NEVER gotten dressed one, single time without asking me, "What shoes should I wear?"  The funny thing is she generally hates my taste and rejects all my suggestions until I finally list the shoe she wanted to wear all along.  I have told her more than once to not ever ask me again so now she does this, "Mom, I know you hate it when I ask, but umm... what shoes should I wear?"  Maybe I'll just donate every pair of shoes but one...   Sounds like a winner to me!


**  You Were Adopted


Will has been trying to convince Parker from birth that she is adopted.  I'm not sure what about this is supposed to be an issue, but apparently it is because I can remember my own siblings trying to convince me of the same when I was little.  If that's the case, I'm going to start looking for my "birth" parents immediately and pray that they are now filthy rich.


**  Don't See Me.  This song will be about toddlers who make their parents accompany them to the bathroom, you know to protect them from the "ghosts".  These same toddlers don't like to be seen while using the bathroom so they call you in there and then point at a spot right outside the door where they tell you to stand with the instructions, "Don't See Me".  It's almost like time-out.  My particular station is by the washing machine, so I just look for money in pockets while I wait.  I'm getting rich one trip to the bathroom at a time.  I'm hoping the follow up tune, "Don't Wipe Me" is coming soon.


**  You're Mom's Favorite, No You're Mom's Favorite.


If your two older children are both convinced that the other is your "precious, little angel", are you doing something really right, or really wrong?  I've been pondering this for a while now.  Just pondering, I don't intend to change anything.  After all, even being seen in public with me is detrimental to their social status after a certain age, so what do I care?  I feed, clothe, and steal money from their pockets.  Isn't that my job?  I tuck them in and kiss them good night, although Will has been air-kissing me for the last few years.  He's either adopted some European flair, or thinks I have cooties.  Speaking of, I just thought of two final tunes:


Everything I Needed to Know About Life, I Learned While Secretly Reading My Teenager's Text Messages


and


I  Didn't Know Butt Dialing Could Get Me Grounded


Yeah.  Enjoy those toddlers and don't have me arrested in a few years when Parker is a teenager and I won't let her out of a locked closet.  It's for her own good, really!