Yesterday I had a nervous breakdown. Just a mini one unfortunately. It would be kinda nice to have one of the major ones that would result in a vacation at the local psych ward where I am sure I would find more sanity than my home offers most days.
Most of my life is spent in a "kumbaya" state of mind where I 'don't sweat the small stuff' and all those other cute li'l sayings that make me wanna vomit on the days when my 'attitude of gratitude' is MIA. Why is it that life can being rolling along nicely and then suddenly you are hit with just an overwhelming feeling that the only thing missing in your life is you?! While 99% of the time I am fine with being known as someone's mom, or SFC Hollen's wife, that 1% of the time when I miss just being me can come out of nowhere and hit pretty hard. Yesterday was one of those days. I really, really hate it when those days hit, because I don't believe in living life wishing for anything other than what I have, but there is a little catharsis in being the one crying, "What about meeee????!!!!!" every once in a while :)
I've been a parent for a while now. Over 17 years to be exact. (Hmmm, I guess "over 17 years" isn't what some might call 'exact', but it works for me, and this is my blog gosh darnit.) In any other 'profession' 17+ years of experience would make you an expert at what you do. When it comes to being a mom, not so much. It's all trial and error, and mostly error. I think most of us have a list in our heads of what we will not do as a parent that is based on our experiences growing up. As an adult, that list shrinks because you realize stuff like having to clean your room isn't a form of torture and/or abuse. There is stuff on my list that I still feel is valid though. I just can't seem to find the middle ground between being the type of parent who would do anything for their children, and being the family doormat. In my quest to try to remember what it's like to be their age, and the value in supporting their dreams even if I know the odds are against them, it seems like I've not done a very good job of teaching them that in this family we are all a necessary part of the team, and no- you are not the MVP. Basically this means I have three kids who have no idea that the world does not in fact rotate around them. My life in a nutshell:
If I lie down, someone needs something. If it's Jace, the older two have either A) suddenly become deaf and can't even hear him asking, or B) help him out but make sure to complain loudly because their TV watching, book reading, game playing, etc. has been interrupted. If I start to jump in the shower, Parker was just headed that way. If I have to use the bathroom, someone else needs to more. If the dog needs to go out, it's ok if I have to completely get dressed first, because Heaven knows that expecting one of your kids to do the same is like a fate worse than death.
You know our current living situation is little old lady in the shoe meets any given episode of Hoarders, but Parker refuses to believe that she can in fact get dressed in any room other than the bedroom. She fully expects anyone who's in there to immediately stop what their doing and evacuate so she can get her clothes on. Will on the other hand, will drop his towel no matter where he happens to be and just yell for everyone to avoid that room 'til he's dressed. Both of them seem to believe that taking their clothes to the bathroom with them and getting dressed there after they shower is foolish and emotional abuse. Jace is just Jace. His middle name is after Thomas' great-grandfather who was nicknamed Boss. Had I known that Jace would feel compelled to live up to that reputation, I would have named him something else... Obviously somewhere along the way I have failed them big time as a parent. What else is new?
What does all this have to do with yesterday's breakdown? I'm getting there, I promise. Yesterday was like any other day. Will and Parker were celebrating the life of leisure that they feel is their birthright, (seriously the princes Wm and Harry probably feel less entitled than my kids,) and Jace was being a holy terror. I had mountains of homework, a house that wouldn't let me rest until it was clean, and a flatulent dog with diarrhea. What happens when you mix flatulence with diarrhea, you might ask. One word: Sharting. FML. Add to that the fact that I am so popular in my home that no one can be more than two steps away from me at any given time, and you get a basket case waiting to happen. As I was trying to get ready to go to a movie (Footloose. Funny stuff, though I'm pretty sure it wasn't supposed to be. Angry ballet, anyone?) the dog needed to go out one more time so I asked Will to take her out. Cue scene of dramatic collapse:
Will: Ok, but I'm not going in the yard because I don't want to get my new shoes dirty.
Me: Well you have to go in the yard because she uses the bathroom in the very back.
**I look outside and see Will trying to figure out a way to hovercraft himself to the designated bathroom area. By all appearances he thought he could simply Go Go Gadget the arm holding the leash and Molly would be able to reach the back of the yard. In a move that pretty much sums up my entire parental shortcomings, instead of making him prance his ass out there, I succumbed to my usual, "I'll do it myself!" huff. So now I'm back there trying to get Molly to go to the bathroom- btw, what is up with all the turning and sniffing??!! Anyway, as I'm at the back of the yard with Molly, Jace decides he has to have a ball that is dangerously close to Molly's 'bathroom'.
Me: Jace, don't go back there, you'll step in dog poop.
Jace: I have to get this ball.
Me: No, you don't. We are getting ready to leave. Go back to the house.
Jace: But I 'meed' it.
Molly- turning, sniffing, turning, sniffing, turning, sniffing.....
At this point for some reason I start crying. Not full fledged boo-hooing, that came moments later. I give up on Molly using the bathroom, tell Jace to get in the house, and I sniffle my way across the yard. The only good thing is that even though Jace wouldn't stay away from the ball, he didn't step in poop. The only bad thing? I did. Wth? By this point, I'm on the front porch, where I am full on sobbing, while kicking my shoes off and hurling them across the yard. Parker, Jace and Will are staring at me like I've grown another head. If I could have heard the thoughts going through their minds, I'm sure it would have gone something like this: Ok, is Mom hurt, or is the nervous breakdown she's been threatening for years now? Which totally reminds me of the other day. Apparently anytime my kids are fighting I say either, "I'm running away, or I'm gonna blow my brains out." (Go on, add that to the parental failure list. See if I care.) This particular day, I used the brain blowing threat to which Will replied, "All talk, no action." Ahahaha, yes. Retched little monsters that they are, I love my kids..... At least they "get" me.
Anywho- so while I'm lying in bed sobbing hysterically and saying stuff like, "I can't do it all myself, and I never have a second to myself," Jace is on top of me saying, "Aww Mommy, it's ok." Cute in retrospect. Parker decides that she should get Jace off me and let me have my tantrum in peace. After a minute I pull myself together and start trying to undo the mess caused by my torrential downpour. Like it really matters what I look like. I'm barely even human... I'm the mythical creature known as a mom.... Anyway, I look out the window and there is Jace getting that effing ball that he was after in the first place. In between my first thoughts of "who will watch my kids while I go on an adult's only all inclusive retreat" and my gut impulse to beat my head against the wall I hear this:
Jace: Ewwwwwww!!!!! There is poop on my toes! It's diarrhea!!!
Which brings me to my final parenting bummer. In every other situation in life there is such joy in saying, "I told you so." Not so for a mom. All it means for a mom is that there's another mess to be cleaned....
If only all this had happened after I watched "Footloose". I could have avoided all the tears and just stomped around pulling at my shirt and tossing my hair. Added stress release if you can find a chain hanging from a ceiling somewhere that you can swing yourself around on with lots of smoldering drama.... At least it seemed to work in the movie. **sigh**
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Monday, November 7, 2011
Monday, October 17, 2011
Kids. Can't live with 'em...
can't afford to put them in boarding school...
Soo there has been a drought in the Hollen House of Hilarity, (Horrors or Hormones. Pick your own "H", they all apply.) Either my kids haven't been as funny lately, or my sense of humor has been MIA. More than likely it's just me, right? As usual though, when it rains it pours so here is the blog that you've been eagerly waiting for. By you I mean you, Jen ;)
I think a country musician should start singing about parenting. I have a list of possible song titles:
Acorns in My Dryer
There's a Reason You Never Get Those Cute, Li'l Photo Cards From Me at Christmas (Seems long but this is country so it works.)
Why, Why, Why?
There's a Tear in my Yoo-Hoo
What About Me???!!!!!
What Shoes Should I Wear?
You Were Adopted
Don't See Me
and my personal favorite-
You're Mom's Favorite, No You're Mom's Favorite
Now I'm no professional writer, so I don't do lyrics. However, I do have some story line suggestions :)
**Acorns in My Dryer? Naturally this song would be about all the random things you find in the laundry when you have kids. The list should include:
1) Acorns. Especially if your 3 year old has a thing for "nuts". Yeah. Do NOT attempt to empty his pockets with his knowledge. The end result is tears, trauma, and a host of other "T" words like tantrum. **Shudder**
2) iPods. It is important to note however, that if expensive electronic gadgets are found, then this part of the song should include something along the lines of, "Mom is an idiot... She doesn't check my pockets." Alternatively, this song could also be about wives in which case you would substitute, "Mom" with "Wife". At no point however, should you EVER even so much as imply that the individual who put the said object in their own pocket should carry any responsibility. Only Mom/Wife. The chorus should include the phrase, "Quick! Throw it in a bag of rice!" Catchy, isn't it?!
3) Random bits of paper: Extra bonus if any of this paper is later called, "homework".
4) Money. Whatever you do though, do NOT let out the secret that any money found in the laundry belongs to the person washing it. I am slowly building my empire, one load at a time.
**Photo Cards. This song would be about those sweet cards people send you at Christmas featuring their kids and assorted pets all looking at the camera with an aura of love and happiness. Obviously those kids are paid. This is what happens when I try to take pictures of my kids:
Yesterday was a beautiful day, full of sunshine and leaves falling. I thought it was the perfect opportunity to get some pics of the kiddos while enjoying the scenery down at LBL. Fun for all, right?? Wrong. First of all, Parker is the only one who will pose. She'd be happy to be the star and sole occupant of all family photos, but then I feel crappy because the boys are missing. As of now though, I'm over that. Parker is now the "face" of the Hollen family and will be representing us as a whole :) This is what the boys do:
Will: Family pictures? (Said in the same tone you might say, "Worms for dinner?") Why??!!
Me: Because I would like to have pics of my kids. Duh.
Will: Well you're not putting any of them on facebook.
Me: Ok, well A) I'll put whatever I want on my facebook, but I won't tag you, and B) is your family really that humiliating??
I mean really, are we? What is it about having your picture made with your brother and sister that inspires fear of public humiliation? Is Will the only teenager known to man to actually have a family? Is that what it is? Like it's embarrassing for someone to find out you have siblings or **gasp** parents? Gee thanks. I remember being a young mom and thinking that one of the bonuses would be the fact that I would be this young, hip mom that Will would be proud to have. It's obvious now that the fact I even thought the word "hip" eliminated that possibility.
Soo as they say, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. Here that translates to, you can force your kid to pose for pics, but you can't make him look normal. 99.9% of all pictures involving Will are one of two things. He's either posing like a pin-up- think hip thrust out with one hand on it, the other hand up by his lips while he makes a kissy face, or he's making some other ridiculous face. Personally, I am no longer going to even attempt to get pictures of him looking normal. I'm going to take what I'm given and then I'm going to put every single one of them on facebook, tag him, make one my profile pic, post on his wall, print out flyers to hang around town, and have announcements made to send to all my friends with small children. "Enjoy them now- soon they'll be teenagers! Blech!"
Then there's Jace. After I'd all but given up my photographic dreams yesterday, I tried to take a picture of Jace from behind. It was completely unposed, he was staring out over the lake and it was precious. He saw me out of the corner of his eye and took off running, yelling, "No!!! Don't take pictures of me!!" Apparently he's Amish and didn't tell anyone. Who knew?
**Why, Why, Why
This is self-explanatory for any parent. If the songwriter could include answers to the 97 bazillion questions that toddlers ask, that song would go platinum immediately.
**There's a Tear in My Yoo-Hoo
Again, self-explanatory. Every event in life does not have to include tears. Not toddler tears, not hormonal tween girl tears.... No tears. Period.
**What About Me???????
What about me... the favored question of siblings everywhere. This song should include something about Christmas cards being sent out with a picture of only one child, while the other two cry, "What about me??" The chorus could be, "Because you wouldn't pose, or I don't love you anymore. Which one is it??!!!" Ahahahaha- sometimes parenting is fun :)
**What Shoes Should I Wear?
This is another favorite question in my house. Actually I'm pretty sure Parker has NEVER gotten dressed one, single time without asking me, "What shoes should I wear?" The funny thing is she generally hates my taste and rejects all my suggestions until I finally list the shoe she wanted to wear all along. I have told her more than once to not ever ask me again so now she does this, "Mom, I know you hate it when I ask, but umm... what shoes should I wear?" Maybe I'll just donate every pair of shoes but one... Sounds like a winner to me!
** You Were Adopted
Will has been trying to convince Parker from birth that she is adopted. I'm not sure what about this is supposed to be an issue, but apparently it is because I can remember my own siblings trying to convince me of the same when I was little. If that's the case, I'm going to start looking for my "birth" parents immediately and pray that they are now filthy rich.
** Don't See Me. This song will be about toddlers who make their parents accompany them to the bathroom, you know to protect them from the "ghosts". These same toddlers don't like to be seen while using the bathroom so they call you in there and then point at a spot right outside the door where they tell you to stand with the instructions, "Don't See Me". It's almost like time-out. My particular station is by the washing machine, so I just look for money in pockets while I wait. I'm getting rich one trip to the bathroom at a time. I'm hoping the follow up tune, "Don't Wipe Me" is coming soon.
** You're Mom's Favorite, No You're Mom's Favorite.
If your two older children are both convinced that the other is your "precious, little angel", are you doing something really right, or really wrong? I've been pondering this for a while now. Just pondering, I don't intend to change anything. After all, even being seen in public with me is detrimental to their social status after a certain age, so what do I care? I feed, clothe, and steal money from their pockets. Isn't that my job? I tuck them in and kiss them good night, although Will has been air-kissing me for the last few years. He's either adopted some European flair, or thinks I have cooties. Speaking of, I just thought of two final tunes:
Everything I Needed to Know About Life, I Learned While Secretly Reading My Teenager's Text Messages
and
I Didn't Know Butt Dialing Could Get Me Grounded
Yeah. Enjoy those toddlers and don't have me arrested in a few years when Parker is a teenager and I won't let her out of a locked closet. It's for her own good, really!
Soo there has been a drought in the Hollen House of Hilarity, (Horrors or Hormones. Pick your own "H", they all apply.) Either my kids haven't been as funny lately, or my sense of humor has been MIA. More than likely it's just me, right? As usual though, when it rains it pours so here is the blog that you've been eagerly waiting for. By you I mean you, Jen ;)
I think a country musician should start singing about parenting. I have a list of possible song titles:
Acorns in My Dryer
There's a Reason You Never Get Those Cute, Li'l Photo Cards From Me at Christmas (Seems long but this is country so it works.)
Why, Why, Why?
There's a Tear in my Yoo-Hoo
What About Me???!!!!!
What Shoes Should I Wear?
You Were Adopted
Don't See Me
and my personal favorite-
You're Mom's Favorite, No You're Mom's Favorite
Now I'm no professional writer, so I don't do lyrics. However, I do have some story line suggestions :)
**Acorns in My Dryer? Naturally this song would be about all the random things you find in the laundry when you have kids. The list should include:
1) Acorns. Especially if your 3 year old has a thing for "nuts". Yeah. Do NOT attempt to empty his pockets with his knowledge. The end result is tears, trauma, and a host of other "T" words like tantrum. **Shudder**
2) iPods. It is important to note however, that if expensive electronic gadgets are found, then this part of the song should include something along the lines of, "Mom is an idiot... She doesn't check my pockets." Alternatively, this song could also be about wives in which case you would substitute, "Mom" with "Wife". At no point however, should you EVER even so much as imply that the individual who put the said object in their own pocket should carry any responsibility. Only Mom/Wife. The chorus should include the phrase, "Quick! Throw it in a bag of rice!" Catchy, isn't it?!
3) Random bits of paper: Extra bonus if any of this paper is later called, "homework".
4) Money. Whatever you do though, do NOT let out the secret that any money found in the laundry belongs to the person washing it. I am slowly building my empire, one load at a time.
**Photo Cards. This song would be about those sweet cards people send you at Christmas featuring their kids and assorted pets all looking at the camera with an aura of love and happiness. Obviously those kids are paid. This is what happens when I try to take pictures of my kids:
Yesterday was a beautiful day, full of sunshine and leaves falling. I thought it was the perfect opportunity to get some pics of the kiddos while enjoying the scenery down at LBL. Fun for all, right?? Wrong. First of all, Parker is the only one who will pose. She'd be happy to be the star and sole occupant of all family photos, but then I feel crappy because the boys are missing. As of now though, I'm over that. Parker is now the "face" of the Hollen family and will be representing us as a whole :) This is what the boys do:
Will: Family pictures? (Said in the same tone you might say, "Worms for dinner?") Why??!!
Me: Because I would like to have pics of my kids. Duh.
Will: Well you're not putting any of them on facebook.
Me: Ok, well A) I'll put whatever I want on my facebook, but I won't tag you, and B) is your family really that humiliating??
I mean really, are we? What is it about having your picture made with your brother and sister that inspires fear of public humiliation? Is Will the only teenager known to man to actually have a family? Is that what it is? Like it's embarrassing for someone to find out you have siblings or **gasp** parents? Gee thanks. I remember being a young mom and thinking that one of the bonuses would be the fact that I would be this young, hip mom that Will would be proud to have. It's obvious now that the fact I even thought the word "hip" eliminated that possibility.
Soo as they say, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. Here that translates to, you can force your kid to pose for pics, but you can't make him look normal. 99.9% of all pictures involving Will are one of two things. He's either posing like a pin-up- think hip thrust out with one hand on it, the other hand up by his lips while he makes a kissy face, or he's making some other ridiculous face. Personally, I am no longer going to even attempt to get pictures of him looking normal. I'm going to take what I'm given and then I'm going to put every single one of them on facebook, tag him, make one my profile pic, post on his wall, print out flyers to hang around town, and have announcements made to send to all my friends with small children. "Enjoy them now- soon they'll be teenagers! Blech!"
Then there's Jace. After I'd all but given up my photographic dreams yesterday, I tried to take a picture of Jace from behind. It was completely unposed, he was staring out over the lake and it was precious. He saw me out of the corner of his eye and took off running, yelling, "No!!! Don't take pictures of me!!" Apparently he's Amish and didn't tell anyone. Who knew?
**Why, Why, Why
This is self-explanatory for any parent. If the songwriter could include answers to the 97 bazillion questions that toddlers ask, that song would go platinum immediately.
**There's a Tear in My Yoo-Hoo
Again, self-explanatory. Every event in life does not have to include tears. Not toddler tears, not hormonal tween girl tears.... No tears. Period.
**What About Me???????
What about me... the favored question of siblings everywhere. This song should include something about Christmas cards being sent out with a picture of only one child, while the other two cry, "What about me??" The chorus could be, "Because you wouldn't pose, or I don't love you anymore. Which one is it??!!!" Ahahahaha- sometimes parenting is fun :)
**What Shoes Should I Wear?
This is another favorite question in my house. Actually I'm pretty sure Parker has NEVER gotten dressed one, single time without asking me, "What shoes should I wear?" The funny thing is she generally hates my taste and rejects all my suggestions until I finally list the shoe she wanted to wear all along. I have told her more than once to not ever ask me again so now she does this, "Mom, I know you hate it when I ask, but umm... what shoes should I wear?" Maybe I'll just donate every pair of shoes but one... Sounds like a winner to me!
** You Were Adopted
Will has been trying to convince Parker from birth that she is adopted. I'm not sure what about this is supposed to be an issue, but apparently it is because I can remember my own siblings trying to convince me of the same when I was little. If that's the case, I'm going to start looking for my "birth" parents immediately and pray that they are now filthy rich.
** Don't See Me. This song will be about toddlers who make their parents accompany them to the bathroom, you know to protect them from the "ghosts". These same toddlers don't like to be seen while using the bathroom so they call you in there and then point at a spot right outside the door where they tell you to stand with the instructions, "Don't See Me". It's almost like time-out. My particular station is by the washing machine, so I just look for money in pockets while I wait. I'm getting rich one trip to the bathroom at a time. I'm hoping the follow up tune, "Don't Wipe Me" is coming soon.
** You're Mom's Favorite, No You're Mom's Favorite.
If your two older children are both convinced that the other is your "precious, little angel", are you doing something really right, or really wrong? I've been pondering this for a while now. Just pondering, I don't intend to change anything. After all, even being seen in public with me is detrimental to their social status after a certain age, so what do I care? I feed, clothe, and steal money from their pockets. Isn't that my job? I tuck them in and kiss them good night, although Will has been air-kissing me for the last few years. He's either adopted some European flair, or thinks I have cooties. Speaking of, I just thought of two final tunes:
Everything I Needed to Know About Life, I Learned While Secretly Reading My Teenager's Text Messages
and
I Didn't Know Butt Dialing Could Get Me Grounded
Yeah. Enjoy those toddlers and don't have me arrested in a few years when Parker is a teenager and I won't let her out of a locked closet. It's for her own good, really!
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