Thursday, October 27, 2011

Hey Kid! Yeah, you in the blue- go clean your room!

Growing up with four older siblings, my mom called me a variety of names.  The only time I can remember being truly offended is the day she called me "Kevin".  I mean, calling me by one of my sister's names was one thing, but my brother's?  Not cool.  My grandmother Parker was just as bad.  I think I briefly thought my name was "Heather Amy Leigh Anne"...  Both mix-ups were understandable though.  My mom had five kids, and my gramma enjoyed her vodka.  These are both handy excuses for being a li'l forgetful.  

(I'm fighting my urge to go off on another tangent at this point.  I'm really working on my ability to focus on one subject at a time, but I'll just say that if you wanna live to be 95, forget all those vitamins and that healthy living BS.  Vodka, Charles Chips and Breyer's Ice Cream is the way to go- at least it worked for Gramma Parker.)

Back on track!  So while I know that it can be normal to call your kids by the wrong name from time to time, I really thought I'd be able to bypass that hoopla.  I mean I'm sure my kids will have enough material for their therapist someday without having 'Mom used to call me by the cat's name' on the list.  Yeah.  Here I was offended over being called my brother's name and my kids are lucky if they get called by a human's name instead of an animal's...  My personal favorite is when I start to call one of the kids and my mind goes into what I call russian roulette mode.  It just keeps spinning and spinning, but unfortunately no bullets are in the chamber.  That's when this happens:  Hey, um.... Wwwww... uh....  um...  huh.  Um, Hey kiddo!  This is usually followed by a look from the kid that is along the lines of, "WTF?!  Did my mom really just forget my name?!"  Sad, but true.  I blame my self-diagnosed ADD.  What, you didn't know I was a doctor?  Honey, in the days of google and WebMD, everyone is.  Now if only I could write prescriptions...

Now I'm totally thinking about that joke where the woman has a bunch of kids and they all have the same name.  When someone asks her what she says when she wants to call a particular kid she says, "Oh I just call them by their last name."  Ahahahaha.  I so shoulda done that.  I mean if you're gonna be dysfunctional, you might as well have fun with it, right?

We did recently add a new family member.  Thomas rescued a dog he found on the side of the road, so please welcome Molly Molly Bo Bolly Banana Fana Fo Folly, to the Hollen family.  So far she is the most well behaved member we have.  I'm considering dropping the kids off in the woods for a couple days to see if they come out with good attitudes too.  What?  I'll go back for them, jeeze.  Some people are so uptight...  Anyway, the only issue so far, is that Molly and Harpo like to fight.  I have to admit that I laughed hysterically today when I saw Molly walk by the couch and Harpo lean down from where he was sitting on the back of it, to slap her upside the head on her way by.  I could just do without the times that I'm trying to concentrate on something and they are stampeding through the house like it's the running of the bulls.  I mean, isn't it enough that Will and Parker fight like it's their job? 

 --another tangent-- would it be shocking if say, a mother were to rip the television of the wall, and throw it out the front door while yelling, "Bet you wish you could have agreed on a show now, don't you?!"?  I mean, I don't know anyone who would ever do something like that, I'm just making conversation :)  -- end tangent--

Anyway, so remember that I'm currently living in shoe box until we move to Texas in a couple months?  Right- so now there are me, Will, Parker, Jace, Harpo and Molly in said shoe box.  Last night I actually slept in a full-sized bed with Parker, Jace and Molly.  I'm not sure if you've ever attempted to sleep with a paw up your rear, one kid upside down in the bed, and the other with their foot on your face, but let's just say that it's not what I would call a 'restful' sleep.  More like one long night of thinking to myself, "is this really happening, or am I getting punk'd?"  For reals, I'm going to start wearing make-up to bed, just in case Ashton Kutcher pops out of somewhere... When we get to Texas I'm going to lock myself in my bedroom for at least three days where I will attempt to deprogram myself.  Really.  It's not natural for a 36 year old woman to believe her favorite shows are "Wizards of Waverly Place" and "Good Luck Charlie".  It's like a Stockholm Syndrome type of thing where I've just acknowledged that I will NOT choose what is on the TV as long as we are living here, so I might as well convince myself that I love it.  

My eyes are drifting shut as I type, so Peace Out What-cher-names!

Monday, October 17, 2011

Kids. Can't live with 'em...

can't afford to put them in boarding school...

Soo there has been a drought in the Hollen House of Hilarity, (Horrors or Hormones.  Pick your own "H", they all apply.)  Either my kids haven't been as funny lately, or my sense of humor has been MIA.  More than likely it's just me, right?  As usual though, when it rains it pours so here is the blog that you've been eagerly waiting for.  By you I mean you, Jen ;)  

I think a country musician should start singing about parenting.  I have a list of possible song titles:

Acorns in My Dryer

There's a Reason You Never Get Those Cute, Li'l Photo Cards From Me at Christmas (Seems long but this is country so it works.)

Why, Why, Why?

There's a Tear in my Yoo-Hoo

What About Me???!!!!!

What Shoes Should I Wear?

You Were Adopted

Don't See Me

and my personal favorite-

You're Mom's Favorite, No You're Mom's Favorite

Now I'm no professional writer, so I don't do lyrics.  However, I do have some story line suggestions :)

**Acorns in My Dryer?  Naturally this song would be about all the random things you find in the laundry when you have kids.  The list should include:

 1) Acorns.  Especially if your 3 year old has a thing for "nuts".  Yeah.  Do NOT attempt to empty his pockets with his knowledge.  The end result is tears, trauma, and a host of other "T" words like tantrum.  **Shudder**  

2) iPods.  It is important to note however, that if expensive electronic gadgets are found, then this part of the song should include something along the lines of, "Mom is an idiot...  She doesn't check my pockets."  Alternatively, this song could also be about wives in which case you would substitute, "Mom" with "Wife".  At no point however, should you EVER even so much as imply that the individual who put the said object in their own pocket should carry any responsibility.  Only Mom/Wife.  The chorus should include the phrase, "Quick!  Throw it in a bag of rice!"  Catchy, isn't it?!

3) Random bits of paper:  Extra bonus if any of this paper is later called, "homework".

4) Money.  Whatever you do though, do NOT let out the secret that any money found in the laundry belongs to the person washing it.  I am slowly building my empire, one load at a time.

**Photo Cards.  This song would be about those sweet cards people send you at Christmas featuring their kids and assorted pets all looking at the camera with an aura of love and happiness.  Obviously those kids are paid.  This is what happens when I try to take pictures of my kids:

Yesterday was a beautiful day, full of sunshine and leaves falling.  I thought it was the perfect opportunity to get some pics of the kiddos while enjoying the scenery down at LBL.  Fun for all, right??  Wrong.  First of all, Parker is the only one who will pose.  She'd be happy to be the star and sole occupant of all family photos, but then I feel crappy because the boys are missing.  As of now though, I'm over that.  Parker is now the "face" of the Hollen family and will be representing us as a whole :) This is what the boys do:

Will:  Family pictures?  (Said in the same tone you might say, "Worms for dinner?")  Why??!!

Me:  Because I would like to have pics of my kids.  Duh.

Will:  Well you're not putting any of them on facebook.

Me:  Ok, well A) I'll put whatever I want on my facebook, but I won't tag you, and B) is your family really that humiliating??

I mean really, are we?  What is it about having your picture made with your brother and sister that inspires fear of public humiliation?  Is Will the only teenager known to man to actually have a family?  Is that what it is?  Like it's embarrassing for someone to find out you have siblings or **gasp** parents?  Gee thanks.  I remember being a young mom and thinking that one of the bonuses would be the fact that I would be this young, hip mom that Will would be proud to have.  It's obvious now that the fact I even thought the word "hip" eliminated that possibility.

Soo as they say, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.  Here that translates to, you can force your kid to pose for pics, but you can't make him look normal.  99.9% of all pictures involving Will are one of two things.  He's either posing like a pin-up- think hip thrust out with one hand on it, the other hand up by his lips while he makes a kissy face, or he's making some other ridiculous face.  Personally, I am no longer going to even attempt to get pictures of him looking normal.  I'm going to take what I'm given and then I'm going to put every single one of them on facebook, tag him, make one my profile pic, post on his wall, print out flyers to hang around town, and have announcements made to send to all my friends with small children.  "Enjoy them now- soon they'll be teenagers!  Blech!"

Then there's Jace.   After I'd all but given up my photographic dreams yesterday, I tried to take a picture of Jace from behind.  It was completely unposed, he was staring out over the lake and it was precious.  He saw me out of the corner of his eye and took off running, yelling, "No!!! Don't take pictures of me!!"  Apparently he's Amish and didn't tell anyone.   Who knew?

**Why, Why, Why

This is self-explanatory for any parent.  If the songwriter could include answers to the 97 bazillion questions that toddlers ask, that song would go platinum immediately.

**There's a Tear in My Yoo-Hoo

Again, self-explanatory.  Every event in life does not have to include tears.  Not toddler tears, not  hormonal tween girl tears....  No tears.  Period.

**What About Me???????

What about me... the favored question of siblings everywhere.  This song should include something about Christmas cards being sent out with a picture of only one child, while the other two cry, "What about me??"  The chorus could be, "Because you wouldn't pose, or I don't love you anymore.  Which one is it??!!!"  Ahahahaha- sometimes parenting is fun :)

**What Shoes Should I Wear?

This is another favorite question in my house.  Actually I'm pretty sure Parker has NEVER gotten dressed one, single time without asking me, "What shoes should I wear?"  The funny thing is she generally hates my taste and rejects all my suggestions until I finally list the shoe she wanted to wear all along.  I have told her more than once to not ever ask me again so now she does this, "Mom, I know you hate it when I ask, but umm... what shoes should I wear?"  Maybe I'll just donate every pair of shoes but one...   Sounds like a winner to me!

**  You Were Adopted

Will has been trying to convince Parker from birth that she is adopted.  I'm not sure what about this is supposed to be an issue, but apparently it is because I can remember my own siblings trying to convince me of the same when I was little.  If that's the case, I'm going to start looking for my "birth" parents immediately and pray that they are now filthy rich.

**  Don't See Me.  This song will be about toddlers who make their parents accompany them to the bathroom, you know to protect them from the "ghosts".  These same toddlers don't like to be seen while using the bathroom so they call you in there and then point at a spot right outside the door where they tell you to stand with the instructions, "Don't See Me".  It's almost like time-out.  My particular station is by the washing machine, so I just look for money in pockets while I wait.  I'm getting rich one trip to the bathroom at a time.  I'm hoping the follow up tune, "Don't Wipe Me" is coming soon.

**  You're Mom's Favorite, No You're Mom's Favorite.

If your two older children are both convinced that the other is your "precious, little angel", are you doing something really right, or really wrong?  I've been pondering this for a while now.  Just pondering, I don't intend to change anything.  After all, even being seen in public with me is detrimental to their social status after a certain age, so what do I care?  I feed, clothe, and steal money from their pockets.  Isn't that my job?  I tuck them in and kiss them good night, although Will has been air-kissing me for the last few years.  He's either adopted some European flair, or thinks I have cooties.  Speaking of, I just thought of two final tunes:

Everything I Needed to Know About Life, I Learned While Secretly Reading My Teenager's Text Messages


I  Didn't Know Butt Dialing Could Get Me Grounded

Yeah.  Enjoy those toddlers and don't have me arrested in a few years when Parker is a teenager and I won't let her out of a locked closet.  It's for her own good, really!