Thursday, December 1, 2011

Just in case you're thinking

where in the world did LA get the title for her blog??   Remember this song?

There's a line in it that says, "Here's your life, welcome to it."  For some reason, every time things get especially crazy, that line goes through my head.  So now you know, and no more sleepless nights for you :)  Now you'll also be able to envision me humming this song on a regular basis.  The people around me are so fortunate.

Hold tight people! I'm about to make a shocking announcement!

What I'm about to tell you has never been said before.  Some of you will have trouble believing it- and trust me, I feel you, but it has to be said.  **sigh** Here it goes:

Moms are people too.

Yep, I said it.  Moms are people, and in prehistoric times they even had their own hobbies and interests...  They were able to pursue those hobbies by simply sending the kids out to play fetch with the dinosaurs.  Naturally you can't do that today because A) There are no dinosaurs, and B) Someone would surely call social services on you.  While the rest of mankind has evolved, moms have devolved.  No longer do we include basket weaving and animal skinning in our past times- now it's huddling in cold, miserable rain watching one of our kids sit on the bench, or something like "cooking" which is really just a fancy way of tricking yourself into believing you are pursuing your own happiness, but really you're just feeding people.  (Disclaimer:  There is no place I'd rather be than watching Will play soccer and I really do love to cook.  Coincidence?  I think not.)

Ok, so I know some of you are skeptical.  I was too.  Why just this morning I went out in 26 degree weather to scrape ice off my son's windshield so he wouldn't have to before school.  Did I get thanks for this?  No.  Instead I got that look that only teenage children can give their aging, be-dumb-ified mothers, because of my choice of ice scraper.  His deodorant.  What?  I thought it was ingenious!  I couldn't find the ice scraper- there was his deodorant on the seat of his truck, which btw what's that about??!  It's not like I had it opened or something and it worked like a charm.  I also turned his truck on so it would be warm and toasty for him on the way to school.  All that elicited was a complaint about the gas I used.  Mmmhmmm.  This from the same kid that you might remember wanted me to follow his bus 40 miles with a pair of shorts so he didn't have to tell his coach he forgot them.  Not to mention that I give him a small fortune in gas money myself!  I said all that to say this:  Moments like this make it very hard to believe that mothers are indeed people...  It's still true though.

Some of you are not skeptics...  You have been saying from the beginning 'of course mothers are people.  That's not breaking news!'  For you, I offer up more proof that mothers are ranked just above sweat shop workers in third world countries, and that is only because we have better accommodations.  It is widely believed that:

1.  Mothers' phones charge themselves.  That or we don't need phones to begin with.  I think it's the former though because how else would they call us 5 minutes before lunch to say, "I don't have any lunch money!!!"?  Yes, I know that sounds crazy, but judging from the fact that I have never plugged my phone in and found it still charging when I came back, I can only deduce that that is the belief.  Even if my battery is completely dead and someone else's is half charged, they still take precedence.  I think the only solution is to get rid of anything in the house that requires my charger with the exception of my phone.  Bye-Bye iPhones and iPods!  It's a rotary dialer for you until you learn to keep your own charger handy!

2.  Mothers don't have to pee when they wake up.  True story.  Therefore if your current abode only has one bathroom it is perfectly acceptable to lock yourself in there while you spend 12 minutes trying to push down the same piece of hair.  If your mom asks you to remove your booty from the bathroom long enough for her to use it, this is the proper response:  Why do you always have to pee when you wake up?!     **sigh**  I don't know, I suppose I'm a freak of nature....  I'm afraid moms are going to continue to devolve 'til the point where they send us out with the dog in the morning.  Won't that be pretty?

3.  Moms know everything, or they know nothing.  It depends on the child.  According to the 3 year old, I should be a walking Wikipedia.  Which I am of course.  We all know anyone can say whatever they want on Wikipedia which means that the crazy answers I give Jace are completely acceptable.  Why don't birds hit their heads on airplanes?  Invisible force fields.  What?  It works.  Alternatively, I'm pretty sure Parker and Will are amazed that I've even survived this long, what with my limited knowledge of... well...  everything.

4.  Moms don't get cold.  Or if they do, they shouldn't humiliate their children by wearing anything that keeps you warm, yet might be uncool.  The other day I made a comment about trying not to embarrass Parker when I dropped her off in the mornings- vague, but you'll get more of the story with number 5- to which Parker replied, "Well I was completely embarrassed when you wore that weird, sweat band thing on your head...."  It was one of those knit things that keeps your ears warm.  Sue me for having cold ears.

5.  It doesn't matter what moms look like.  Alternatively, it totally matters what moms look like because the things they wear are always able to make or break the social status of tweens and teens.  When I made the comment about trying not to embarrass Parker when I dropped her off in the morning, it was in response to Will's wonderment that I actually want to see myself in the mirror for 20 seconds in the morning before I leave the house.  The nerve of some mothers... thinking that they have to see themselves before they leave the house.  It's no wonder kids today are so crappy- it's all these selfish moms...

and 6.  Moms don't have feelings.  If Mom comes home with new hair, clothing, shoes, or make-up, it's a green light for blatant honestly regardless of whether or not Mom asks...  Now Parker frequently asks me how she looks- if I say anything other than, "Great!" she's pissed.  No matter how nicely I try to say that just because the Disney kids get away with wearing polka dots, stripes and plaid all at the same time, it doesn't translate so well in real life, she is highly offended.  I have yet to figure out why she even asks me...  At any rate, anytime I get a haircut I feel all cute and awesome right up until I pick Parker up from where ever she might be.  Instantly I get 'the look'.  You know- the one with the wrinkled nose that either means 1) You stepped in dog poo or 2) You've once again managed to make yourself look like a clown in front of the entire world.  Yeah, that look. It's always followed by:
P:  (eyebrows raised, disdain impossible to not read) Did you get your haircut?

Me:  No, terrible mishap involving a goat....  Ok, I really don't say that.  Most of the time. I usually say, Yes, you don't like it?

P:  (looking the other way as eye contact will burn her retinas) Ummm... I just have to get used to it.

Translation:  Please don't get out of the car for at least two weeks.

I haven't done a very good job of making my case about moms being people, have I?  Maybe it's just wishful thinking...  Either way, I'm about to let every child in this house know it's true :)