Thursday, October 27, 2011

Hey Kid! Yeah, you in the blue- go clean your room!

Growing up with four older siblings, my mom called me a variety of names.  The only time I can remember being truly offended is the day she called me "Kevin".  I mean, calling me by one of my sister's names was one thing, but my brother's?  Not cool.  My grandmother Parker was just as bad.  I think I briefly thought my name was "Heather Amy Leigh Anne"...  Both mix-ups were understandable though.  My mom had five kids, and my gramma enjoyed her vodka.  These are both handy excuses for being a li'l forgetful.  

(I'm fighting my urge to go off on another tangent at this point.  I'm really working on my ability to focus on one subject at a time, but I'll just say that if you wanna live to be 95, forget all those vitamins and that healthy living BS.  Vodka, Charles Chips and Breyer's Ice Cream is the way to go- at least it worked for Gramma Parker.)

Back on track!  So while I know that it can be normal to call your kids by the wrong name from time to time, I really thought I'd be able to bypass that hoopla.  I mean I'm sure my kids will have enough material for their therapist someday without having 'Mom used to call me by the cat's name' on the list.  Yeah.  Here I was offended over being called my brother's name and my kids are lucky if they get called by a human's name instead of an animal's...  My personal favorite is when I start to call one of the kids and my mind goes into what I call russian roulette mode.  It just keeps spinning and spinning, but unfortunately no bullets are in the chamber.  That's when this happens:  Hey, um.... Wwwww... uh....  um...  huh.  Um, Hey kiddo!  This is usually followed by a look from the kid that is along the lines of, "WTF?!  Did my mom really just forget my name?!"  Sad, but true.  I blame my self-diagnosed ADD.  What, you didn't know I was a doctor?  Honey, in the days of google and WebMD, everyone is.  Now if only I could write prescriptions...

Now I'm totally thinking about that joke where the woman has a bunch of kids and they all have the same name.  When someone asks her what she says when she wants to call a particular kid she says, "Oh I just call them by their last name."  Ahahahaha.  I so shoulda done that.  I mean if you're gonna be dysfunctional, you might as well have fun with it, right?

We did recently add a new family member.  Thomas rescued a dog he found on the side of the road, so please welcome Molly Molly Bo Bolly Banana Fana Fo Folly, to the Hollen family.  So far she is the most well behaved member we have.  I'm considering dropping the kids off in the woods for a couple days to see if they come out with good attitudes too.  What?  I'll go back for them, jeeze.  Some people are so uptight...  Anyway, the only issue so far, is that Molly and Harpo like to fight.  I have to admit that I laughed hysterically today when I saw Molly walk by the couch and Harpo lean down from where he was sitting on the back of it, to slap her upside the head on her way by.  I could just do without the times that I'm trying to concentrate on something and they are stampeding through the house like it's the running of the bulls.  I mean, isn't it enough that Will and Parker fight like it's their job? 

 --another tangent-- would it be shocking if say, a mother were to rip the television of the wall, and throw it out the front door while yelling, "Bet you wish you could have agreed on a show now, don't you?!"?  I mean, I don't know anyone who would ever do something like that, I'm just making conversation :)  -- end tangent--

Anyway, so remember that I'm currently living in shoe box until we move to Texas in a couple months?  Right- so now there are me, Will, Parker, Jace, Harpo and Molly in said shoe box.  Last night I actually slept in a full-sized bed with Parker, Jace and Molly.  I'm not sure if you've ever attempted to sleep with a paw up your rear, one kid upside down in the bed, and the other with their foot on your face, but let's just say that it's not what I would call a 'restful' sleep.  More like one long night of thinking to myself, "is this really happening, or am I getting punk'd?"  For reals, I'm going to start wearing make-up to bed, just in case Ashton Kutcher pops out of somewhere... When we get to Texas I'm going to lock myself in my bedroom for at least three days where I will attempt to deprogram myself.  Really.  It's not natural for a 36 year old woman to believe her favorite shows are "Wizards of Waverly Place" and "Good Luck Charlie".  It's like a Stockholm Syndrome type of thing where I've just acknowledged that I will NOT choose what is on the TV as long as we are living here, so I might as well convince myself that I love it.  

My eyes are drifting shut as I type, so Peace Out What-cher-names!

1 comment:

  1. I think all parents of more than one child go through that laundry list of names to get to the right one. My favorite, and I have used it on my children, I got from Bill Cosby - "Come here, Roy, er, Rupert, er, Rutabaga... what is your name, boy? And don't lie to me, because you live here, and I'll find out who you are.'

    And at least you get "live" action shows. My world revolves around Spongebob, Diego, and Olivia type shows.