Oh, that's just Will's mom... **sigh**
So Will is my forgetful child... When I say 'forgetful' I mean to the extent that I've often wondered if one can be born with Alzheimer's. He regularly forgets everything from where to put his dirty clothes, to any and everything needed for school that day. You know the expression, "You'd forget your head if it wasn't attached"? That's Will. Seriously. The fact that Will forgets stuff CONSTANTLY means that people are pretty much fed up with it. At this point, even if it is an honest mistake there are consequences.
Yesterday morning Will texts me from his dad's to ask me about his soccer stuff- half of which was at my house, half of which was at the other. I told him that yes, his red shorts were at my house. A little bit later when Will rolls in for b'fast (welcome to Mom's Diner!!) I show him where I've laid out his shorts. He tells me he doesn't need the red ones because they are wearing white. Ok... well I would go ahead and put them in my jumbo sized soccer bag, but whatever. I go on about my day.
Yesterday afternoon I get the following frantic phone call:
Will: (mumble, mumble, unintelligible,) supposed to be wearing red shorts, (mumble, mumble,) thought they were at my dad's, now I don't have time to come by your house so please meet me at the school!
Me, being the good mama that I am, hop in the car to take them to the school... When I get there, the entire team is already on the bus, so I circle around and pull up behind it and call Will. While the phone is ringing, the bus starts pulling off....
Me: Will, tell them to stop for a sec and I'll run these up to you.
Will: No, they can't, just try to get beside us.
Uhhh... ok... is that even legal? And do I look like I went to the Dukes of Hazard driving school?! But whatever, I think I'll just catch them at the stop sign. So I tell Will to ask them to hold 2 secs at the stop sign. I'm seriously riding their bumper, shorts in hand. Will says, "No, they can't."
Hmmm... at this point, I'm thinking something is a li'l shady. I mean for one, I haven't heard Will ask anyone to hold, and for two, who doesn't have a spare second? At any rate, the bus blows through the first two stop signs. Well, I mean, the bus stopped, but for reasons that can only be attributed to Murphy's Law, there was no traffic, so everytime I got my door open, the bus was taking off again.
Ok.. there was one more stop coming up that was still in town, and it's at a busy crossroad, so I felt confident that I could accomplish Mission Shorts Toss. I call Will again:
Me: Ok, tell the kid in the back seat on the left to put his window down and hold his arm out when the bus stops.
Will: No Mom, I can't.
Me: %&$^$#&$ (a word most people probably don't say to their kids, but then again most people don't have my kids *sigh*) why can't you?? Tell him now!
Will: Mom, I didn't want anyone to find out I didn't have my shorts! I'll get in trouble.
Me: (^*&%$(*&()**^%$%#$%#@#$^&(*&)(*)(&*&%%&$$$# tell him to stick his arm out NOW!
Will: Please Mom, just follow us to Mayfield! (20 minutes away, 'cause gas is free ya know?)
Me: TELL. HIM. NOW.
Will: Ok....
Sooo by this point, the bus is stopped, the kid puts down his window, I jump out of my car and run. I've got the shorts all rolled up for maximum flight potential, and I'll be damned if yet again there was NO FREAKING TRAFFIC!!! This is UNHEARD of! **sigh** So here I am running beside the bus, while the entire team is staring out the window (but obviously not the bus driver). My efforts were fruitless, and at this point I said, forget it.
**ring ring**
Me: What do you want Will?
Will: Mom, I didn't want anyone to know. Now I probably won't start and it's all your fault.
::banging head into dashboard::
I'll spare you lecture that followed, including but not limited to, "It's MY fault you forgot your shorts??"
Ahhh Motherhood. The only role one can have in life in which everything that goes wrong in anyone else's life is all your fault. Well, that and being a wife. **sigh**
The Daily Jace: (said to anyone who will listen) The school bus kept running away from Mommy!!!!
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
No, those aren't boogers on my lips
and other things that make me sigh...
If you look at pictures of me when I was about 3 years old, in most of them I'm sporting what looks like a kool-aid mustache. The reality is that my lips were chapped, along with all the skin around my lips... I said all that, to say this: At the moment I don't look much different than those old pics... Just a few more crow's feet, but the mouth? Definitely the same. My lips are so majorly, uncomfortably dry right now. I've been putting chapstick on like a mad woman but it's not been helping... Sooo last night as I was trying to fall asleep, I kept licking my lips. I knew while I was doing it that I was going to look like Lisa Rinna this morning, but did that stop me?? Nooooo.... So here I am with my not-so-cute inflated lipped, kool-aid mustache thingy going on. Sexy, I tell ya.
Why do kids have a knack for finding something you are self conscious about and making you feel like your worst fears are being realized? For instance, when Will was small he loved to tell me that my legs looked like "tree trunks". I'm sure it was relatively innocent in his li'l mind, but I felt like a lumberjack and often wondered how I even managed to get around with those massive redwood thighs of mine... **sigh**
So today, as I slather on copious amounts of chapstick and try to avoid licking my lips at all costs, I turn around to notice Jace up in my grill. Here's how it all went down:
(Jace peering intently at my top lip) (I'm trying to set a scene here, but I'm not a screenwriter, so use your imagination.)
Me: What are you doing?
Jace: There are boogers on your lip.
Me: ***sigh** No Jace, those aren't boogers, my lips are just chapped.
(More intent staring by Jace...)
Jace: No, they're boogers. Here, let me get it.
(Insert tiny hand rapidly approaching my lip with it's li'l pincher-like fingers.)
Me: No! Don't touch Jace! They hurt.
Jace: Mom, you have boogers on there, just let me get them!!!
Me: Wahhh... Wahh... (insert sobbing, moaning and gnashing of teeth.)
That pretty much sums it all up. I could go on about the fight that ensued, because that kid is not unlike his dad (a dog with a bone, I'm tellin' ya!) but I'm sure you get the picture. So now I have to get ready to take Jace to an appt and I feel like my lips are about as obvious as the hunchback's, er... hunchback. I don't guess it really matters, since I'm JustAMom after all, but damn.
On the plus side, I've lost 5.5 lbs since Saturday, go me! I only ate one cupcake at the bbq. (If you were there and saw me licking every bit of icing off the cupcake liner, don't judge.)
I'm off to take my sick kid to the doctor, and to perhaps invest in some heavy duty lip stuff while I'm out showing my disfigured self to the world. Enjoy your day~
If you look at pictures of me when I was about 3 years old, in most of them I'm sporting what looks like a kool-aid mustache. The reality is that my lips were chapped, along with all the skin around my lips... I said all that, to say this: At the moment I don't look much different than those old pics... Just a few more crow's feet, but the mouth? Definitely the same. My lips are so majorly, uncomfortably dry right now. I've been putting chapstick on like a mad woman but it's not been helping... Sooo last night as I was trying to fall asleep, I kept licking my lips. I knew while I was doing it that I was going to look like Lisa Rinna this morning, but did that stop me?? Nooooo.... So here I am with my not-so-cute inflated lipped, kool-aid mustache thingy going on. Sexy, I tell ya.
Why do kids have a knack for finding something you are self conscious about and making you feel like your worst fears are being realized? For instance, when Will was small he loved to tell me that my legs looked like "tree trunks". I'm sure it was relatively innocent in his li'l mind, but I felt like a lumberjack and often wondered how I even managed to get around with those massive redwood thighs of mine... **sigh**
So today, as I slather on copious amounts of chapstick and try to avoid licking my lips at all costs, I turn around to notice Jace up in my grill. Here's how it all went down:
(Jace peering intently at my top lip) (I'm trying to set a scene here, but I'm not a screenwriter, so use your imagination.)
Me: What are you doing?
Jace: There are boogers on your lip.
Me: ***sigh** No Jace, those aren't boogers, my lips are just chapped.
(More intent staring by Jace...)
Jace: No, they're boogers. Here, let me get it.
(Insert tiny hand rapidly approaching my lip with it's li'l pincher-like fingers.)
Me: No! Don't touch Jace! They hurt.
Jace: Mom, you have boogers on there, just let me get them!!!
Me: Wahhh... Wahh... (insert sobbing, moaning and gnashing of teeth.)
That pretty much sums it all up. I could go on about the fight that ensued, because that kid is not unlike his dad (a dog with a bone, I'm tellin' ya!) but I'm sure you get the picture. So now I have to get ready to take Jace to an appt and I feel like my lips are about as obvious as the hunchback's, er... hunchback. I don't guess it really matters, since I'm JustAMom after all, but damn.
On the plus side, I've lost 5.5 lbs since Saturday, go me! I only ate one cupcake at the bbq. (If you were there and saw me licking every bit of icing off the cupcake liner, don't judge.)
I'm off to take my sick kid to the doctor, and to perhaps invest in some heavy duty lip stuff while I'm out showing my disfigured self to the world. Enjoy your day~
Monday, September 5, 2011
Target Practice
or potty training boys... whichever you prefer. Because quite frankly, they are both fitting.
When you are expecting a baby boy, no one tells you to expect to come into contact with their pee at various times in their lives- some more than others. Even now, 17 years later, we still laugh about Will spraying down my mom's entire kitchen- including a colander full of home grown tomatoes. I had no idea that A) a newborn could hold that much, and B) little weinies are not unlike pressure hoses... if you aren't hanging on to them, they're gonna spray everywhere! Fast forward to Jace, 13 years later.... Changing his diaper involved various special ops movements to ensure that air never touched his man part. Air, it seems, acted as an immediate pee-inducing agent. Who knew? Naturally that strange air/pee situation resolved itself around the same time that I perfected the two handed remove and replace. Little did I know what was to come....
I don't remember having such issues potty training Will. I mean, other than the fact that I thought I'd have to send him to high school in adult diapers. Despite a fierce stubborn streak, when he was finally ready, in my memory, it was all good. Jace on the other hand... well it's really typical Jace- not what you're expecting, and just cute enough to keep the edge off my frustration. Jace started off stubborn like his brother. Sad, because the ease at which I potty trained Parker, (in about 2 days the week of her 2nd birthday,) lulled me into a false sense of "Hey, I got this motherhood thing!" Being a parent who tries to choose battles wisely, I would try, have no luck, and then proceed to give it a bit longer before trying again. The joy that came with the knowledge that no occupants of my house would ever be in diapers again, (Lord willing) is slightly dampened, (no pun intended,) by the amount of mopping I'm doing these days... In Jace's defense, he does claim that his "pee pee" is just "too big" to aim properly. Not being a man, I can't be sure how well that theory holds up. From the looks of things, it's a li'l shaky... but what do I know?
We started Jace out sitting down to pee, because he's not tall enough to stand. When it soon became clear that I'd be mopping 'til the day I die, I decided to buy him a step stool to see if standing up would help. Perhaps I should have been more specific about the purpose of the step stool:
Me: Jace, you wanna stand up and pee like a big boy?
Jace: Yes!
Me: We'll get you this step stool so you can reach!
Uhh...yeah... I so wasn't expecting to hear Jace yell, "I peed like a big boy!!" only to discover he'd turned the step stool upside down and peed in it... *sigh* On the plus side, he did hit the intended target. For what it's worth...
At this point, I'm considering leaving him in diapers until he gets married, at which point his wife can take over the mopping. In the meantime, I will take any suggestions, or pointers haha, on how to successfully teach aiming of li'l members- so fire away, but please hit the target.
When you are expecting a baby boy, no one tells you to expect to come into contact with their pee at various times in their lives- some more than others. Even now, 17 years later, we still laugh about Will spraying down my mom's entire kitchen- including a colander full of home grown tomatoes. I had no idea that A) a newborn could hold that much, and B) little weinies are not unlike pressure hoses... if you aren't hanging on to them, they're gonna spray everywhere! Fast forward to Jace, 13 years later.... Changing his diaper involved various special ops movements to ensure that air never touched his man part. Air, it seems, acted as an immediate pee-inducing agent. Who knew? Naturally that strange air/pee situation resolved itself around the same time that I perfected the two handed remove and replace. Little did I know what was to come....
I don't remember having such issues potty training Will. I mean, other than the fact that I thought I'd have to send him to high school in adult diapers. Despite a fierce stubborn streak, when he was finally ready, in my memory, it was all good. Jace on the other hand... well it's really typical Jace- not what you're expecting, and just cute enough to keep the edge off my frustration. Jace started off stubborn like his brother. Sad, because the ease at which I potty trained Parker, (in about 2 days the week of her 2nd birthday,) lulled me into a false sense of "Hey, I got this motherhood thing!" Being a parent who tries to choose battles wisely, I would try, have no luck, and then proceed to give it a bit longer before trying again. The joy that came with the knowledge that no occupants of my house would ever be in diapers again, (Lord willing) is slightly dampened, (no pun intended,) by the amount of mopping I'm doing these days... In Jace's defense, he does claim that his "pee pee" is just "too big" to aim properly. Not being a man, I can't be sure how well that theory holds up. From the looks of things, it's a li'l shaky... but what do I know?
We started Jace out sitting down to pee, because he's not tall enough to stand. When it soon became clear that I'd be mopping 'til the day I die, I decided to buy him a step stool to see if standing up would help. Perhaps I should have been more specific about the purpose of the step stool:
Me: Jace, you wanna stand up and pee like a big boy?
Jace: Yes!
Me: We'll get you this step stool so you can reach!
Uhh...yeah... I so wasn't expecting to hear Jace yell, "I peed like a big boy!!" only to discover he'd turned the step stool upside down and peed in it... *sigh* On the plus side, he did hit the intended target. For what it's worth...
At this point, I'm considering leaving him in diapers until he gets married, at which point his wife can take over the mopping. In the meantime, I will take any suggestions, or pointers haha, on how to successfully teach aiming of li'l members- so fire away, but please hit the target.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Beauty is Painful...
I learned that from watching "Toddlers and Tiaras"... So says my 10 yo daughter Parker :) It's true, she's right, and thank the Lord that I have a daughter who's level headed and beautiful just the way God made her.
Me on the other hand? I could use some work! Today begins the 9 bazillionth dieting attempt. I'm not really sure how I got so out of control, but I am determined to fix it this time. I will say the chocolate chip cupcakes with home made chocolate buttercream frosting that I made today are not helping my cause ;) Fortunately they are for a bbq tomorrow so I'll have plenty of help eating them. *sigh*
Is home made one word, or two? That's really been bugging the shiz outta me today... I keep making it two, but it doesn't look right!
Soo I'll wrap up with another cute li'l story from Parker. She wore a dress to school two days in a row. A girl in her class asked her why she had been dressing up, and her teacher said, "She's trying to find a man!" A little boy in the classroom threw his hand up in the air and started yelling, "I'm a man! I'm a man!" Ahhh, I love kids! I love their honesty, I love their energy and I love their confidence. Here's to little boys who aren't afraid to wear their hearts on their sleeves :)
Me on the other hand? I could use some work! Today begins the 9 bazillionth dieting attempt. I'm not really sure how I got so out of control, but I am determined to fix it this time. I will say the chocolate chip cupcakes with home made chocolate buttercream frosting that I made today are not helping my cause ;) Fortunately they are for a bbq tomorrow so I'll have plenty of help eating them. *sigh*
Is home made one word, or two? That's really been bugging the shiz outta me today... I keep making it two, but it doesn't look right!
Soo I'll wrap up with another cute li'l story from Parker. She wore a dress to school two days in a row. A girl in her class asked her why she had been dressing up, and her teacher said, "She's trying to find a man!" A little boy in the classroom threw his hand up in the air and started yelling, "I'm a man! I'm a man!" Ahhh, I love kids! I love their honesty, I love their energy and I love their confidence. Here's to little boys who aren't afraid to wear their hearts on their sleeves :)
Friday, September 2, 2011
I'm back!
Woo hoo! Two in one day! Yes, well I'm bored and what am I gonna do? housework??
Actually I just remembered something my goof ball three year old did last night. We were at the airport picking up Daddy... As we're standing in the baggage claim area waiting for him to show up, my son was hiding behind my legs... I thought he was just being his usual shy self until I felt warmth on my booty. Yeah... he was licking my a$$... in the middle of the airport... *sigh* Does this happen to other people? My 10 yo was hysterical over the fact that I now had a wet spot in the middle of my butt.
The Daily Jace (the infamous 3 year old):
Me: Jace why don't you have your undies on?
Jace: Because they are wet.
Me: Why are they wet??
Jace: Because they were in the ass.
Ummm... I'm not certain that's what he was saying, but I asked him three times to repeat himself and each time it sounded the same. I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to home school him when the time comes 8-0
Well I'm off to feed people. Perhaps it will be Jace's favorite- pb and jellyfish sandwiches!
Actually I just remembered something my goof ball three year old did last night. We were at the airport picking up Daddy... As we're standing in the baggage claim area waiting for him to show up, my son was hiding behind my legs... I thought he was just being his usual shy self until I felt warmth on my booty. Yeah... he was licking my a$$... in the middle of the airport... *sigh* Does this happen to other people? My 10 yo was hysterical over the fact that I now had a wet spot in the middle of my butt.
The Daily Jace (the infamous 3 year old):
Me: Jace why don't you have your undies on?
Jace: Because they are wet.
Me: Why are they wet??
Jace: Because they were in the ass.
Ummm... I'm not certain that's what he was saying, but I asked him three times to repeat himself and each time it sounded the same. I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to home school him when the time comes 8-0
Well I'm off to feed people. Perhaps it will be Jace's favorite- pb and jellyfish sandwiches!
In The Beginning
God created Heaven and Earth... I'm not going quite that far back though. I'm not even going to go all the way back to 1975, which is the year I was born. This life begins in August of 1994, when my first child was born. My life hasn't been the same since, and I'm pretty sure I haven't stopped laughing...
Ok, in all honestly, my oldest is 17 now. As far as he's concerned, I stopped laughing about the time he hit puberty and decided I was ridiculously clueless about any and all subjects. While I wait for him to like me again, I'm fortunate enough to have two more kids who make me laugh, including Jace, my 3 yo who is widely (well as wide as my facebook friends list,) known for the stuff that comes out of his mouth on a regular basis. Whether it's mispronunciations that make me giggle- (don't even get me started on the wisdom of naming a child's train "Percy", knowing many if not most toddlers have speech impediments!) or just the quick wit that my kids are known for, I'm such a lucky mom!
The Daily Will (my 17 yo):
Me: Will- did you see on the news where this man has been arrested twice for having sex with a horse?!
Will: Yeah... you know what they say... Neighhhh means neighhhh!
Man, I love my kids!
Ok, in all honestly, my oldest is 17 now. As far as he's concerned, I stopped laughing about the time he hit puberty and decided I was ridiculously clueless about any and all subjects. While I wait for him to like me again, I'm fortunate enough to have two more kids who make me laugh, including Jace, my 3 yo who is widely (well as wide as my facebook friends list,) known for the stuff that comes out of his mouth on a regular basis. Whether it's mispronunciations that make me giggle- (don't even get me started on the wisdom of naming a child's train "Percy", knowing many if not most toddlers have speech impediments!) or just the quick wit that my kids are known for, I'm such a lucky mom!
The Daily Will (my 17 yo):
Me: Will- did you see on the news where this man has been arrested twice for having sex with a horse?!
Will: Yeah... you know what they say... Neighhhh means neighhhh!
Man, I love my kids!
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